me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Terribly Tuesday.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.