Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.