You Might Also Like
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet