Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
.. do you even science?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Just me and my debit card against the world
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.