When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.