The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars