My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
sistine chapel
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting