God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Had an epiphany today.