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GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes