Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]