They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
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Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.