911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
A couple who are silly together stay together.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Why am I like this?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.