[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Noah
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Me, reading some of your tweets
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)