How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.