Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
You Might Also Like
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.