Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)