Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
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You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
PARKOUR
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Oh my god
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories