*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
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*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk