My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
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The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I missed you with all my darts
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.