If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I’m already scared
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)