Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Brands during Pride
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.