Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
happy valentine’s day to me
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.