Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix