I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Yes my dude
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
This kid will have a bright future.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.