What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My safe word is Worcestershire
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands