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My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
HOW DARE YOU
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed