I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.