My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.