As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
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Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house