People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Feel. He’s so soft.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.