Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
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Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I’m crying im so happy for them