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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.