Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign