older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Said the murderer.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Oh deer