*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Aight bet
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Um … Hot Wings please
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?