Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Reporter: *ports again*
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
The pasta is now
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.