T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
You Might Also Like
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
#milo
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁