Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Check your privilege
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators