I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
black phone good
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.