I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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what the hell pray for carter everyone
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.