Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.