[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.