What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
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‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
checking out some reviews of my local library
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself