My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
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If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure