I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
You Might Also Like
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”