I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂