Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
🤣🤣🤣
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.