I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
He just like my cat fr
This kid will have a bright future.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS