If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
You Might Also Like
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
watergate? u mean a dam??
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My wife gives the best headache.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.