Netflix and awkward silence?
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.